This world is full of hypocrites.

I've kind of never been one to really do much journaling, but I realize that this past week my blog has been almost exactly that. A journal where I just write random stuff about my day. And there's never anything interesting like,

"I met the girl of my dreams, today. She weighed at least 300 lbs but she smelled like bacon. I'm in love."

Whatever.

But it's kinda cool to actually spend some time to chill and recall what you've done any given day. It lets you sloOOooOOooOOooOW dOoOOooOOooOOwn and not be so stressed. I really hope I have time to keep this up during the school year, even.

Okay, so today I set my alarm for 9:30, and the jerk of an internal clock I have decided that I would much rather get up at 6:00 am. And then 6:45. And 7:00. 8:30. and then it let me sleep through my actual alarm to get up at exactly 11:43. I took a hammer to my last phone out of frustration, and I'm not scared to do it again. I wish I had a video of it. It was very Office Space.

I got out of bed and surprisingly had no problem getting right to my work out. My body was like

No sleep? No problem! I'm going to make these sit-ups wish they were never born!

The irony in that statement is that sit-ups aren't born. They get reincarnated in a blaze of fire like a phoenix! I guess that makes me freaking Harry Potter. Wanna see my ride? It's a Nimbus 2000. Cause I'm feeling so fly like a broom stick!

Ahem...

So I bought a wii controller because I really wanted to have for of them and I came home and played Gamecube, because that's how I mother ducking roll. And then I went for my walk/run/random dancing in the park. Honestly, my day could easily have been summed up as this: I did nothing, then I went for a walk.

Tomorrow's forecast: I'm getting new running shoes tomorrow! The kind with the Nike Chip in them!

That's all...BYE!

Greatest freaking day, ever!

...and if not ever, then it's definitely the greatest freaking day I've had in a long time. I can definitely rate this as the best of the summer, it all started the moment I got up.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was, "Crap...it's weigh-in day". So I crossed my fingers, tried to come up with a reason why I shouldn't have to put up with this sort of torture every week (I couldn't think of one) and stepped on the scale. And...I LOST ANOTHER TWO POUNDS! After not losing any last week, it feels good to have lost some more. That brings my total weight loss to 10 lbs this summer, and I happen to know for a fact that I'm down a pants size from when I started, so I can't wait until the day I have to hold my pants up even with a belt! Unfortunately, that might be sooner then I would like, if I keep this up. I really don't have money for new clothes and I'm trying to lose weight meaning I'm going to end up as Jerrod from Subway who holds on to his fat clothes forever. Mine isn't exactly out of choice, however.

Another good tidbit of news is that my eye is no longer swollen shut! I can blink like a normal person and can even wink (ladies). I took some antihistemine yesterday to bring down the swelling so nobody would notice today and it would have worked, but my mom had to go and tell everyone about it anyways. I have no choice but to forgive her, though. She never once embarrassed me in high school so she gets some freedom to do so for the rest of my life. There are boundaries, though. I'm not saying she gets a free reign on my life, but I can afford to cut her some slack now and then. Because I'm such a good son. Or at least that's what I tell myself at night to sleep.

WHIIIIIIIIIIIIICH bring me to my next point. I actually haven't been sleeping at night. Weird that even on meds my body doesn't know what to do when I'm laying in bed with the lights off and I close my eyes. My body goes all stupid and is like, "hey, where'd the party go" and stays up all night while I wish I could get even an hour's sleep.

In other news, I dropped my socks in the toilet today on accident because they somehow got tangled up in my towel when I went to shower. I threw them in the dryer and put them in my little brothers sock drawer and I like to think of myself as a better person for it.

Oh, and I went to the coin store today. I picked up a bunch of coins I didn't have for my collection. WAR TIME NICKELS! These things are hard to find because they are made without any actual Nickel. During the war it was a precious resource so they suplemented Silver, thus the price of these Nickels is reflected in how well Silver is doing in the market. And I got a few more United States Quarters. I'm a super nerd about coin collecting for only a couple months out of the year so please forgive me when I say "I CAN'T WAIT TO GET ALL FIFTY STATE QUARTERS IN THE PHILLY MINT!"

In other news, I think I may have traded my cool card for my nerd card today. Man card still intact. More word on this to follow.

Oh, and I played Zelda today...

This post brought to you by the number purple. OKAY, THANKS FOR READING! BYE!

Yet ANOTHER post. Wow, I'm annoying.

Okay, so today has had some annoyances, but I've honestly had a great day. Very chill, very laid back, and nothing that exerted too much energy. Considering nothing went as I planned, today has not been that bad at all.

I woke up today and found that my eye was swollen shut. Clearly, I was not going to work out like this, nor did I really want to leave the house and drive with only one eye, so I did what any reasonable person would do and I played Zelda (I beasted it, too), played piano, and watched TV. I kinda wish I could have worked out today because my weigh-in is tomorrow, but I'm not gonna dwell on it too much. It is what it is.

Not gonna try and milk a boring day into anything it's not (like, say an interesting day, for example). Just keeping myself posting frequently otherwise I never will.

Oh, and I'm just gonna say that I found a new face wash recently, and DANG my skin looks good. Smoother then a baby's butt. Not that I've ever touched a baby's butt. Don't plan on changing any diapers until I have a kid of my own (well into my fifties).

Imma peace before this post gets any more uncomfortable for you or for me, and fingers crossed that tomorrow's weigh-in is good!

This world is full of strangers...

Before I really get started, I want to say a huge thanks to Ghost. I see you've been reading my posts and commenting and I really appreciate you're support. I've been trying to respond to you but for some reason my responses never go through, so I'm gonna say it here. Thanks a billion!

And my topic today is about identity. I'm slowly starting to figure out that these goals I have aren't necessarily about having others see me accurately, as I had originally thought. As I go through these changes in diet, attitude, and maturity I see that I'm actually starting to change. I'm seeing new sides of me I haven't seen before that I don't really know what to do with because they're so different from who I usually am! I don't know if I've stuck to trying to lose weight for this long. I can't say I've ever been so motivated to do something in my life. And those previously mentioned demons have me pushing even harder then ever. I see all of this new me when I go for my walks and I have time to just think.

When I went on my walk today (almost a freaking jog with my pace these days) I kept looking for new motivation to go just a little bit faster, and a little bit harder (walk hard?), and I found myself looking to necessity and my heritege. Necessity wise is simple eough; I saw it was time for me to be strong for my friends and return the favors that they've done for me. That was reason enough to push through these changes I'm making. But my family's history is perhaps the strongest driving force I have in the designing process for the new me. My family has done everything, and I force myself to be strong to honor their successes. My great uncle, Corporal Harlond Block, was one of the fighters at Iwo Jima that was a part of the famous flag raising after days of brutal fighting. My aunt was among the first women to graduate from Texas State with a degree in Technical Science (I think that's what her major is called). These are two examples of people perservering. My family was German royalty in the 1800's! My family is a part of the Cherokee Nation. My family, on my dad's mother's side (another iffy statement) can trace her roots back to the Mayflower and her family's name can even be found on the Mayflower compact. Or, so rumor has it. It wouldn't be that hard to imagine that my family could easily have been involved in every major war our nation has been a part of. I know I have several family members fighting for their country right now, and that drives me even more. The point I'm trying to get across, is that I'm trying to find a new future for me to grab hold of, but I find myself being motivated by those people in my family who were motivated to do that very same thing.

To know where you're going, you have to know where you've been. I don't even know what I'm capable of yet once I get myself truly motivated. I've seen myself to some pretty cool things. I'm not being arrogant or prideful. I'm being honest. I've done awesome things, but I also know I've not met my standards plenty of times before now. I know I'll figure out more of my identity through the accomplishments of these goals. But until I learn to put in a 110% effort in everything I do, I'll just be another stranger to even myself.

Bad day, then a better day

Okay, so it's been a day or two since I've posted, and these past two days have been eventful. I've worked a garage sale, busted out my coin collection, gained and lost weight, and had a great time hanging out with some amazing friends.

Yesterday morning, I was in the collegeville and woke up late for the garage sale we were hosting to raise money for SNE (womp womp). I showered, brushed my teeth, ran out the door without breakfast and arrived just in time to see that everything was already set up and they were fine without me. I stayed anyways.

We raised a sweet amount of money to get us to the other side of the country (towards the Canada side) but we had quite a bit of stuff left over. It was a bit of a chore to get everything loaded up, but by the time we started packing up the stuff a random surge of energy hit me. This is never a good sign.

This sudden surge of energy lasted all day, and well into the morning. I let out my energy the way I usually do when I'm around my friends; I see how much I can creep out my friend, let's call her Betty, I jump up and down, I make random comments about anything and everythiing, I eat food, I get too productive, and there was this one time when I tap danced (lost a bet). The list of things I've done while on this energy high is ever expanding, and yesterday was no exception. It's like a constant slurpee day in my mind! You really can't beat that, can you? Of course not!

Now to the point of this whole blog post. What I did that night. It's no coincidence that the best days of my summer have been spent actually out of my house doing things with people. Last night was no exception, but it was different. I've spent too much time this past semester and this summer to myself, and I've finally had time to just hang out with a couple of guys. Zane and Marcos, two aweseome friends, have always just turned up when I needed to hang out and forget things for a while. Hanging out with these guys is different then hanging out with other guys, for sure. We can actually talk about real things that matter, pray together, joke about almost anything, and unlike hanging out with other guys we aren't just roaming around a looking for a good time. We are growing together and building a brotherhood.

But then the day had to end and things took an interesting turn. I hate to be mysterious about this, but I just can't say exactly what happened. At least not on a blog post. I had hit a new wall, metaphorically (definitely not literally). I had to face an old demon that I thought had long since gone away. I'm a different person then I was back when I first faced this challlenge, and things seem harder this time. I won't keep talking about it all mysterious-like if I'm not going to say what it is, but I can definitely say that this summer definitely just got interesting.

I won't talk about what happened today. It's not very interesting. I cleaned, organized the medicine cabinet, and I worked on my coin collection some. Nothing majorly interesting.

"Streamlining my appearance"...slang for growing up

I couldn't get a wink of sleep last night, and it was annoying. I read a textbook to try and bore me to sleep, but that didn't even work. I found the freaking book INTERESTING! Kinda wish I read the textbook when I took the class, now. But I only read for about an hour before I was fed up with myself and got out of bed. They say that the worst thing you can do when you can't sleep is just stay in bed, so I decided to do something productive until I was ready to sleep, so I started organizing my room.

Considering it was about 1:30 in the morning I'm sure my family heard me and thought I was crazy. I started cleaning out drawers in my nightstand, then my dresser, then I cleaned out my closet, and then threw out some more clothes I hadn't worn in forever, and actually started to make the place livable again. I wasn't annoyed that I was awake still, either. They say your room's cleanliness affects your mood, and I've found it to be true. If my room's a mess, my life's a mess. Lesson relearned.

One thing I have been wanting to do is do a complete wardrobe change. I got rid of all the old T-Shirts with print on them and kept all my shirts that were just nice, plain T-shirts. I'm not saying my closet is the equivelent of a male fashion guru, but it's definitely closer to what I would want to wear on a regular basis. Decent clothes to go out in public with decent people and look...decent. What else could you ask for?

I feel like I should clarify something before I sign off. I'm not trying to change me. I like me. I think I'm pretty cool. My problem is that I have a hard time communicating who I am to other people. That's what this is about. Making real connections with people, and that only comes from helping others see me as I see me. Hence, the weight, wardrobe, and attitude change. This may sound shallow, but I just want others to love me as much as I love me. Thank God for my friends that already do, too. :)

Running forward

I'm really not doing that bad on my summer goals. I actually can't believe I'm saying it, but I may actually accomplish them. I've never completed everything on my summer to-do list before, so I'm mega pumped. It's not just finishing my to-do list, it's what happens after that I'm excited about.

I'll get to bust out my guitar and jam with my friends, instead of just watching in amazement, wear clothes that aren't large enough to fit a manitee, and I'll actually have more energy. I'm alrady kinda sorta feeling that last one, but it will be significantly better once I've lost more weight.

I want to approach everything differently next year, and that's why I'm starting now. My music, clothing, personality, body, mood, grades, prayer life, etc. all kinda ride on my motivation to get my summer goals achieved, and it's actually happening. As I'm chugging along through my first couple of goals, I'm researching and getting ready for the next few things I want to make happen and it's also looking pretty do-able. I'm not looking for a complete 180 of my life because there are a lot of parts of myself I like. I'm just focusing on fixing those few minor details I've always wanted to get around too.

Tomorrow is particularly a big day because I have lost enough weight to warrent new pants. Yay. Getting something else to workout in would be nice, too, because my walking pace is starting to pick up quite a bit, and week after next my schedule has me starting my running. Can't believe that time is so close, either! Most people would think I'm crazy for putting off running for this long and just going with walking, but I have a schedule and pace I like to follow, and it's worked out so far. May need to invest in running shoes, too. My shoes are not very good for running, so losing weight has just started to get expensive...

Just another week

Well, it's another week and I'm still breathing. Not bad, if I do say so myself. Today is two weeks after I started trying to lose weight. I weighed myself this morning and I'm 8 lbs less from two weeks ago. At least something is working out for me.

I've had some stuff on my mind, lately. I'm missing a certain thrill, it's been a while since I've been some place new, met new people, or did new things with old friends, and I'm not doing anything with my time but play Zelda and sleep. I want a bit more adventure then I'm used too. It's like I'm stuck in a rut as long as I'm in Pflugerville. Partially because there's nothing to do here and also because I want nothing to do with the people I once knew here. I'm ready for a new identity and for my old one to just fade away into obscurity, and for that to happen I need to get out of this place. It's becoming more clear to me that if I want to be happy, I might have to seriously start working out my plan to move to Chicago.

There is one person, though, whom I wouldn't mind keeping in contact with while I'm here, but that's not possible. You see my best fried from high school lives a few streets over from me, and I kinda would like to hang out with him again. Problem is, he has a new friend he hangs out with and we cannot stand the sight of each other. He gives me uncomfortable looks when my best friend isn't looking and I return the favor. It's very unfortunate and now that everything is said and done we're left with a bunch of people with nothing to do.

So I'll just continue playing my guitar, watching Youtube, playing Zelda, and losing weight. I may not have that much contact with people this summer, but at least I'll be productive...I guess.

Week 1

Today was day one of something I pray I actually stick with this time. Weightloss. A not-so-fun, always American topic, and I feel a little bit like a walking cliche' by even talking about it but I have too. It's time to start thinking about it. It was time to start thinking about this a long time ago but then I broke my foot and had to stay off it so working out wasn't really an option. It seems like there's always an excuse, but this time will be different. It already is.

I have some huge goals I want to accomplish in this area and it's going to take me the better part of a year to get there, but this has been on my to-do list for a while. This is different then any of my previous attempts at losing weight in that I actually have set goals this time. General goals such as; I want to feel good about myself, I want to be more active, I want to not feel so freaking self-conscious about my my weight, etc. And I also have set up some more specific goals, such as; weekly weight-loss goals, weekly BMI goals, and overall goals in each area I'm striving to get too. I've never set up smaller goals before. I usually just go for the big goal and try to push through. Here, though, I have a system set up where I get quite a few victories rather then just one.

Here's an example of one of my big goals. I want to have lost 49 lbs. by the end of the year. That's a lot of weight to lose, and it's probably not gonna happen on my timeline, but it will happen eventually. Here's an example of one of my smaller goals. I want to lose 2 lbs by next Wednesday. Not quite so scary. :)D

I put that "D" underneath that smiley face on purpose. It represents his happy, second chin!

Typically, people lose more weight in the beginning and it gets harder to lose as time goes on. In the beginning, I'll probably end up losing more then 2 lbs a week for a couple of weeks, at least. But eventually I'll end only losing about a single pound a week, which occurs at my plateau weight. My plateau is at 220 lbs, so that's the only obstacle that I see right now. Getting down to 220 lbs is actually not gonna be that hard. All I need to do is SOME sort of activity, which is more then what I can say of myself lately.

Another thing I'm gonna say is that I really don't want to go to the gym until I get down to a certain weight. Basically, I'll be doing a whole bunch of cardiovascular stuff like walking, running, riding my bike, etc. and also learning how to treat my body better with what sort of foods I'm eating. Once I can prove to myself I can eat right and keep up the basic healthy activities I'll feel better about doing more intense stuff. Probably at about that time I'll ask one of the guys at school to help me out and hold me accountable as well. But, I've always been better at planning these things then actually doing them so it's anyone's guess how this will turn out.